The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

[cosetteferaud.livejournal.com]

Hello everybody! So this is the double post I promised. In the end, it’s turned out to be a little bit dense, wordy and meta-ish (what a surprise!). But don’t worry, I have included all the pilot cuteness you are looking forward to, and some pretty pretty pics of our favorite duo. I am leaving on vacation tomorrow, so maybe it will take me a little while to answer your comments… I’ll do it as soon as possible though. But please, don’t hesitate and discuss! This arc is one of my favorites for many many reasons, and I’d love to read your insights :). So... Let's get started!

“Act of Contrition” and “You Can’t Go Home Again” is the sort of story arc that set BSG apart from other sci-fi TV shows, and two of the best episodes of S1—especially the first one. It is, in short, a wrenching and intimate character drama about people we come to genuine care about and empathize with. This is also the episode that made me definitely fall for Kara Thrace. Until that moment, we’d met Starbuck the maverick pilot, with all her rough edges, smirks and bravados. AoC portrays a full-fledged human being and shows us the first real glimpse of Kara, the woman hidden behind that hotshot pilot with such a peculiar nickname.

 

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead

Aside from being a Starbuck-centric arc, this story also highlights the hard and cold truth about serving in the military—which is, people get killed. After the annihilation of the Colonies and then going through the hell of the five-day Cylon pursuit, this episode starts with the cheerful—and hopeful—celebration of Flattop's thousandth landing. Adama, Kara and Lee walk down the corridor together as Kara tells Lee a funny story about Adama’s own thousandth landing—and I find it really meaningful and indicative of the relationship between these three that Starbuck is the one who knows the story, while Lee doesn't have the slightest clue. It is obvious that Kara knows better his father than he does.

And it is in the middle of this break when tragedy strikes unexpectedly: an accident in the flight deck kills 13 pilots and wounds seven others as they are engaged in Flattop's celebration. The situation is another more evidence—and this show will give us plenty of them—of how life can change drastically in a matter of seconds, without the slightest hint or warning. One minute you are in the middle of a celebration with your colleagues, and the next minute you are preparing for a memorial service for those same colleagues. One day you are in love, happily engaged and looking forward to the graduation of your fiancé, the next day you are crying in front of his coffin.

So it is not a surprise that this tragedy brings Kara back memories of Zak. "I know this has been a hard day. There's been plenty of them lately. I can guarantee there will be more to come. Remember your self-esteem, your self-respect, and your self-worth. Hold strong to them because people are watching. You're the guardians of the fleet." Those are Adama’s comforting words when addressing his pilots in the immediate aftermath in the ready room. But Kara can’t deal with it—not this time—because even if Zak’s death happened in what seems ages ago, she still bears the burden of being the responsible for his demise.

I love how these episodes explore the suffering of its characters, especially Kara’s guilt and pain. Something I love about AoC is the way the flashbacks are woven into the story; Zak’s funeral flashbacks are particularly effective, showing us how the military service for her fellow pilots triggers memories of Zak’s death for Kara. The two funerals seamlessly blend into each other and we catch glimpses of the Adama family—symbolically and physically divided by Zak’s death. Caroline Adama and Lee stand at one side of Zak’s grave, while Adama and Kara hold hands in the other. And then we go from Lee placing the wings on his brother's coffin to him putting another set of wings on one of the drapped coffins in the hangar bay; and then we move from Kara and Lee standing at attention in the hangar bay to Kara crying and flinching as the guns go off at Zak's funeral.

And there is also the scene where Kara is playing cards with her shipmates. Her mind is not in the game though, but in another place entirely, reminiscing that time when she and Zak were lovers. There is the simple memory of Zak’s finger touching Kara’s ear interwoven with the triad game, Kara touching her ear and reliving the sensations of Zak’s body while they make love. This sort of detail is what makes this episode so vivid and emotional—and I find it really sexy too. Personally, I can only imagine that kind of tragedy, but the story and the narrative convey the grief, the culpability and the sense of loss in a powerful and honest way. It's simply true to the feelings and true to the characters.

Looking at the World From a Bottom of a Well

Another wonderful scene in this episode is the Kara/Adama confrontation. The commander asks Kara point-blank what she did for Zak, forcing her to tell the truth about his death. And here the confident and cocky Starbuck crumbles under the weight of her guilt, regret and sadness... In that very moment, Starbuck is not a pilot anymore, and Adama is not her commanding officer. There is only a father and a daughter left. “I was just so in love with him”, she confesses."He just wanted it so much, and I didn't want to be the one who crushed him”. There is something insanely intimate and deadly about seeing this woman so vulnerable. Maybe because Starbuck always seemed too strong for true vulnerability. A legend in the sky. Larger than life. Unbreakable. But it is exactly in those moments, when she is just Kara, when I find her the most endearing.

Adama’s response to Kara’s admission is harsh, brutal, heartbreaking. But I don’t think he actually blames her so much for Zak’s death. It is the fact that he loves her like a daughter. The fact that she’s lived this lie with him for two years and never said a word to him. The fact that she disappointed him. The very deep sense of betrayal he feels at her confession.

I believe that Kara’s bad judgement that day killed Zak; but was she the only one to blame? She couldn’t fail him any more and needed to give him something as a proof of her love. Zak wanted so badly to be a pilot, and Kara couldn’t bring herself to take that away from him. She owed him, in a way. But why did Zak want so badly to be a pilot to begin with? Although Lee’s anger with his father over Zak’s death was not entirely justified, Adama certainly had some responsibility for the situation that Zak found himself in. So both Lee and Adama were looking for someone else to blame, placing their guilt on other people. Kara was the ultimate responsible for Zak’s death, but Adama and Lee also played their part in this tragedy.

I wonder why Lee wasn’t angrier with Kara about Zak’s death. It seems unfair to forgive her so easily while he had punished his father for so long. But maybe Lee could’t blame Kara because he understood what she did too well. Whatever mistakes Kara made, she made them out of love… or guilt, or both. And there was also the fact that she saved his life that day, when he ran out of luck and she brought him home risking her own life. It had been an act of desperation, and I believe Lee can’t help but wonder if she would have done it if there had been another pilot in his place. Or maybe she did it because of his father, because she wasn’t going to let another Adama die. Privately, I guess he wants to believe Kara saved him because he was just Lee, his only remaining friend in the universe (and a thousand of things more, but it is better—and safer—for the two of them no to think about that).

And then Kara told the Old Man her secret and she took stupid risks because she wasn’t going to fail the commander again. And suddenly her signal wasn’t on the dradis anymore, and her bird was burning and falling from the sky to a yellow, forgotten moon. And then it was when it hit Lee that he couldn’t live in a world without Kara, that’s how her existence was so intimately bounded to his. They had to find her.

Both Lee and Adama act stupid and selfish, risking the survival of humanity in order to save their girl. They have lost so much that they can't face the idea of losing her, their surrogate daughter/almost daughter-in-law/friend/future lover. Still, sacrificing 47000 lives for one is an act of complete and utter irresponsibility. And that’s why I love Roslin’s verbal slap in the face, a reminder of who they are, of how they should behave, of what is at stake. “All right... it's military, fine. And you're both officers and you're both honorable men and you're both perfectly aware that you are putting the lives of over 45,000 people and the future of this civilization at risk, for your personal feelings. Now, if the two of you, of all people, can live with that, then the human race doesn't stand a chance. Clear your heads”.

I like to think that Lee’s future actions are shaped by this incident one way or the other. Here he puts Kara’s life ahead of the survival of the human race and, as a result, has his honor called into question and realizes that you have to set aside personal feelings no matter the cost to that person or to yourself. Lee learns that the words "love" and "family" don't justify any decision—that he has a responsibility beyond what his heart wants. When you are talking of the survival of an entire race, no matter what you want, what you lose, what you earn, the greater good must be served.

Putting Holes in Happiness

AoC/YCGOA arc is a story about loss, about grief, about responsibility… and it is also about guilt. Old guilt and new guilt. Guilt over the dead ones and guilt over the ones still breathing. Guilt as a punishment, as a shield, as a curse, as a blessing. Guilt is an inherent trait of Kara's nature. Sometimes I believe that masochistic, self-destructive part of her—that part that keeps whispering into her head how unworthy she is, how much she doesn't deserve happiness—, secretly enjoys the feeling, wallows in it... And maybe that's why she doesn't want—or can't—get rid of it... Because if Kara Thrace got rid of her guilt, then she would run out of excuses to avoid happiness, love, Lee and whatever she has with him… And she isn’t even remotely close to ready for that.

However, as much as she relies in her guilt, she also wishes that something—anything—make things shift between them. And maybe that’s why she finally relents and tells him the truth about Zak’s death—that, and her need to fix Lee’s relationship with his father. Because things may be easier if he hates her and, at least, Lee won’t blame the Old Man anymore. And there is also that small part of her that secretly, privately hopes that if a sin—or half of it—were confessed, maybe it could be expired too.

And that’s how after the end of the worlds she and Lee are stuck together on Galactica with no other place to run away to, still trying to figure out what the two of them are now. And old guilt and new guilt mingle together until she can’t stand thinking about Lee, Zak or the commander; about what she gave Zak, what she gave Lee, about what she owes both Adamas, about what the two of them took from Zak. And every time she thinks of kissing Lee, every time she feels warm and mellow beside him, she feels the impending need to frak everything up. Because you can't love your almost brother in law, you can't love your dead fiancé’s brother... Not when you always knew that even if the baby brother made you happy, you wished you met the other one first. Not when you fought so hard to give yourself the opportunity to make your own choices, and chose not to frak it up this time. Not when you chose to marry Zak as a proof of your devotion, and you ended up killing him.

So you play at being a bad girl; you banter, you tease him, you push his buttons, but never cross that space between you and him. And you pull your gaze away when it gets too intense, enjoy the bruises he gives you, but don’t accept any kindness from him, and never ever let him touch you. And that’s how you can pretend that you are just friends, or CAG and hotshot pilot, or even almost-siblings. It is an easy game to play, thinking that you can have that little bit of him as long as you pretend it doesn’t mean anything. It is almost easy to forget Zak’s ghost. Almost. Of course, that isn’t what you want from him—not at all—, but it is what you should want, that it is the way things should be. That is the only thing you can accept from him. It is not a big deal, but… who cares? At the end of the day no matter what Kara Thrace really wants; your mother once told you that no one who really knew you would ever love you. And you are not going to let your mother down after all.

Love Is Just a Game

And now, after the meta-ish part... The cuteness!!!!

“You are the worst CAG in the history of CAGs, actually"

This scene is delicious and cute and lovely... The way Kara and Lee are just playing with the paint and laughing together. I really love the vibe that they are good friends, and the fact that Kara seems the one person around whom Lee can let out his restrain and overtly laugh. It makes me remember that they are both so young—even though most of times they seem so aged by responsibility. I especially love the moment when Adama enters the room and Kara and Lee are painting “1000” on the helmet with their fingers. Adama asks, "You're not ready yet?" And then Starbuck knocks the paint can onto the floor, where it splashes Apollo. Then she burst into laughters and Lee joins her. Adama notes that someone will have to clean up the paint, and then Kara and Lee point their paint-stained hands at each other and, OMG... they are too cute for words!!!

"It's got to be her. This thing is flying with some serious attitude"

Another seriously cute moment of our pilots. Lee's joy upon realizing it's Starbuck in the raider—it absolutely kills me every time. Lee is usually so reserved and restrained that I love all his emotional displays. Besides, Starbuck waggling her wings at him, and Apollo waggling back is beyond adorable *g*

 

"You wanna give me a bath?"

Back on the deck, Starbuck looks tired and battered and bruised. It doesn’t matter. She is there, alive, breathing and smiling. And it occurs to Lee that she is by far the most perfect thing he has ever seen. He helps the medical team to spread a blanket over her, and then recoils, noticing that she smells disgusting. Starbuck chuckles and blurts out, "You wanna give me a bath?" But before Lee answers, she is wheeled away, leaving him wondering if she was serious after all.

Some questions to ponder

1) Was Kara the ultimate responsible of Zak’s demise?

2) How do you believe Zak’s death shaped Kara? And Kara and Lee’s relationship?

3) Why do you think Kara told Lee the truth about Zak’s death?

4) In YCGHA Apollo tells Adama that he thinks they have come to terms with what happened to Zak. Did he mean it? Is that the reason why he never held a grudge against Kara about Zak’s death?

5) Why did Kara pass Zak? Out of love, guilt, debt or a mix of all?

Comments

[rdave1.livejournal.com]

The next part...

1. I don’t think Kara was ultimately responsible for Zak’s death. Many people had a hand in Zak’s death including Zak. Yes, did Adama teach his boys that without wings you aren’t a man but then Lee raised Zak. Zak’s only role model growing up was Lee and Lee was the best. That also played a part. Obvisouly, either of the Adama men could have told Zak that he didn’t have to join the military but neither did. Kara was his instructor and her relationship with him was forbidden for a reason. By getting involved may be it clouded Kara’s judgements but take in account Kara’s past. She has never had anyone love her unconditionally may be she thought if she failed him, he would leave and if he passed he would stay. But the thing with Kara is she has never claimed otherwise she believes she is responsible for Zak’s death where as the Adama men have pointed their fingers elsewhere.
2. Knowing what we little bit we did see in Daybreak, it has hard to imagine Kara just being a ‘normal’ girl. Kara had issues when she was with Zak but I don’t she was as hard and uncaring until his death. I can see her as care free spirit, the walls aren’t build up and she is a lot more open with her emotions. As for Lee and Kara’s relationship, it is hard to decide since their back-story is still bit fuzzy. I assume they met through Zak and I’m sure Lee felt like the third wheel a few times when they hung out. We also know the strong attraction that was there between Lee and Kara from the beginning but with Zak dying I figure they just avoided each other till the decommissioning ceremony. They would have hated to act on their feelings and disgrace Zak’s memory. I think Zak’s death became the barrier they both hid behind for a long time, to pretend their feeling didn’t exist.
3. Honestly, Kara didn’t think she was coming back. Another reason is she knew that she had to make the relationship between Lee and Bill better. They were each other’s only family and hers too. Knowing Kara, she thought that her killing Zak caused this rift and she had to be the one to fix it. She told Lee so he wouldn’t be mad at Bill anymore. She was used to the disappoints and she would take Lee’s as well. Kara always took everyone’s sins on her shoulders.
4. I don’t you can ever fully come to terms with a death of a loved one. I think eventually they came to terms with it but here they had to accept what happened to Zak, and why it happened. They needed to understand that Kara wasn’t the only one at fault; they too had a hand in Zak’s death. And by doing that they were able to focus on getting Kara back for the right reasons. Yes they were motivated by emotions, who wouldn’t be? The worlds have just ended and the only family you have left, you are not going to leave that person behind. In a situation like emotions do rule, as wrong as that is, it is a human trait. Lee never could stay mad at Kara for long. Lee didn’t hold a grudge because he knew somewhere deep down that he could’ve stopped Zak from joining the Academy or becoming a pilot. Lee has always been logical and as much as Kara knows how to push his button, Lee knew better then to shoulder the entire blame on her. It was burden that all needed to share but Kara had been carrying it alone for many years.
5. Mix of all. As I mentioned above, Zak was probably the first man after her father that loved her. We know her father left, her told her it was because of her so can’t you see her doing anything to keep Zak happy so that he doesn’t leave her? I have no doubt that Kara loved Zak. He likely showed Kara how to love which explains why she closed herself off from love after he died. She passed him out love, appreciation and fear.

These episodes really set the foundation for the rest of the series. It defined the types of stories that we will see and the human emotions in the center of it all. It also laid the foundation for the Lee/Kara relationship, Lee and his father’s relationship, Kara and Adama’s relationship.

Cosette, you have done a fabulous job with these two episodes. The pics are delicious, finger painting is awesome!:) Great work darling! Sorry this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay late.